I Am a Math Major and Was a Math Teacher for many years!
Please don’t stop reading this because of my opening comment. 🙂
Some folks are not endeared to math teachers! Formulas were my thing. Give me a formula and I could find the answer….most of the time.
Recently I wrote about maturity using the following formula:
“Me 2 We 2 You 2 Him” – put another way…
“From Me to We then to You then to Him (Jesus)” can yield a mature person.
( I copied that article at the end if you want to read it again.)
However, formulas don’t always produce the answers we need, especially if we use the wrong one or are sloppy with our calculations. Take relationships for example. My guess is that you, as I did, left home with some engrained ideas(formulas) about how to have good relationships – dating, marriage, parenting, financial, and work world.
I have noticed that my wife may not be saying much in a conversation at home or especially outside our home, but when I leave the room and return, I find her much more engaged. That struck me some years ago as being a sure sign that I was dominating her and taking time from her ideas and comments. She has good ideas and comments that need to be heard. I wondered if I did/do that to my other family and friends. I want to change.
Our ideas of happiness and joy in relationships are most likely a fusion of the good we saw, the bad we hope to avoid, and the ugly we definitely don’t want to duplicate. Reviewing the following principles may help us make our eventual relationship formulas (ideas for success in relationships) work for us:
These are not formulas but suggestions / observations / practices that are helping me change to have better relationships, deeper friendships, and more loving connections with others.
First are some definite Do’s
- Do learn to ask great questions and then listen well for the responses.
- Do get skilled in proper responding to exposed emotion.
- Do make eye contact during conversations.
- Do give the other person at least as much time to talk as you are taking.
- Do set a time to finish the talk if you or the other person isn’t finished.
Now, the Don’t”s
- Don’t have your mind elsewhere when the person is right here with you.
- Don’t raise your voice in anger, as that will end the openness to listen and be heard.
- Don’t have your phone too handy, unless you are awaiting an urgent message.
- Don’t “hog the show” or dominate those present who want to talk.
- Don’t leave important conversations hanging in the wind when a solution or conclusion has not been reached. Plan a next meeting…
The Question: Do you see how these mature relationship skills could lead to better understanding, calmer conversations, more meaningful relationships, and a place where peace is offered and security is fostered?
Would you answer the above question regarding one or more of your key relationships – extended family, parents, spouse, friend, co-worker, young child or older child?
I am working on listening in order to understand others, rather than focusing too much on being understood. That is a change for me because I have been known to dominate conversations. I don’t want to do that.
There are so many principles that make for great relationships, but learning to listen well and pay attention with an open heart and mind is foundational to them all.
At least that is my opinion.