Oh! The games we play!!
Does this sound familiar???
“Honey, would you mind taking out the trash?”
“Sure, I will!”
(Time goes by…..)
“I thought you were going to take out the trash?”
“I said I would!”
(Even more time goes by…..)
“I can’t count on you to do anything! The trash is still sitting by the door!”
“I said I would do it! Stop nagging me!”
This is just one game we may play with our spouse. This one is called “The Complainer versus The Procrastinator” Game.
This game, as well as other marital games we play, can really hurt our marriage. These games can leave relationship needs unmet causing hurt, bitterness, resentment, and other negative emotions towards one another.
In “The Complainer versus The Procrastinator” Game, ” Complainers” might choose to play this game because they may really need attention from their spouse. A spouse may become “The Complainer” when that need goes unmet. When the need for attention goes unmet, the pain may even tap into hurts from childhood. ” The Complainer” may have thoughts such as the following:
“Why doesn’t my wife/husband help me?”
” My husband/wife never follows through on a task I have asked them to do.”
“I must not be worth it to him/her.”
By the way, we may not really know why the ” The Complainer” assumes this role, but the resulting hurts are real and potentially destructive.
“The Procrastinato r” in this game may have had very controlling parents growing up. When the spouse asks for help, ” The Procrastinator” may interpret the request as nagging. That “nagging” may tap into unresolved anger. Very rarely do we have negative “spillage” unless a hurt or anger has been poked at within us. We call that “pushing someone’s buttons”. Again, we may not know why “The Procrastinator” plays this part, and regardless of the underlying reasons, he/she needs to recognize that there is a better way to respond to the requests/needs of the spouse.
This game can come to an end where both parties are the winners!
The Complainers don’t want to be complainers! They just want a task done and a need met. The Procrastinator just wants to be respected and not feel nagged. So, what do you do?
You “out serve” one another.
The trash needs to go out, so you may ask your spouse but set a time frame, like after the show or before bed, or you can just take it out yourself and let your spouse enjoy the show…..but do it without holding in bitterness.
If you tend to be a procrastinator, you can serve your spouse by doing a task right away or as soon as you can without having your spouse remind you. You won’t feel nagged and your spouse will feel loved. You might even do the task before being asked. In fact, you might simply make a list of tasks and when they should be done. Using the list can help avoid nagging and procrastination. Even kids need this kind of structure at times….many times. 🙂
Doesn’t this sound like a better game to play?
Would you plan a date night with your spouse and talk about the following verses together? Discuss what these verses mean for your relationship and how they connect to avoiding “ The Complainer versus The Procrastinator Game”.
Galatians 6:9-10
Ephesians 4:2-3
Ephesians 4:15
Ephesians 4:32
Colossians 3:12-14
If you see your relationship with your spouse exhibiting The Complainer/Procrastinator Game, will you discuss during your date time how you can put an end to this game?
Be sure to come back next week as we look at other types of marital games we may play as a couple. Recognizing in other relationships this and other games we’ll discuss is much easier than seeing them in our own marriage, but we can get good at “speaking truth in love” rather than doing these games where either “truth is not spoken at all” or “truth is spoken but not in love”. Either way, we will be playing games that are not fun at all!
Speaking the truth in love is such a great principle and results in much more fun and peace in the relationship….eventually. Ephesians 4:15 is not necessarily easy, but it surely is the only healthy alternative!