What happens we we’ve done our part to solve a problem, but
the other won’t do his/her part?
This question comes along often, especially in situations where a couple or a relationship is stuck in a bad place. Right about now, one or both of the parties are ready to give up, give in, throw in the towel, and start fresh. The problem often presents itself in marriage. It isn’t a strange phenomenon. It is almost to be expected in most relationships since very little teaching/training/mentoring has been experienced by the “warring factions”.
Where have you seen conflict occur? Where have you seen it settled successfully? Where has reconciliation happened? Who led the way to fix the issue and start the healing process?
Oh, we’ve seen lots of disagreements but very few desirable outcomes. Politics, economics, education, workplace, homes, schools, families, and neighborhoods are environments where we’ve observed conflicts. Right? But where are the lasting solutions. Is there a way to settle disagreements or not? Of course there are ways, but few are easy to implement. Let me show you what I mean.,
Often in our marriage workshops and conferences, someone will ask, “What if I am meeting her (his) needs and going the extra mile to show love, but my spouse is not changing or cooperating?”
Possibility #1: Simply quit talking about it altogether. Don’t keep bringing up the subject when all you experience is a brick wall and more hurtful responses. (James 1:19)
Possibility #2: Pray about a solution alone, if necessary, or with the person on the other side of the conflict. Ask God in prayer for guidance to His solution. (Philippians 4:6-7)
Possibility #3: Prioritize or continue to prioritize the needs of the other and selflessly (not selfishly) give to meet the other person’s needs even though some of yours are not being met. (Live at peace where possible…Romans 12:18)
Possibility #4: Ask to have a conversation at intervals to explain how you feel about the situation without whining or nagging. (James 1:19; Proverbs 15:1)
Possibility #5: Quietly, after attempting to have meaningful discussions to no avail, serve your partner, praying for him/her regularly. (Romans 12:21)
Possibility #6: Seek counseling/mentoring from a trusted godly friend or counselor. Remember this can be dangerous, if the person in whom you are placing your trust does not have solid, loving relationships to show they know what they are doing. (Proverbs 25:11)
Possibility #7: (James 4:7)
a. We put our trust in God, as a sign of our true faith, and allow Him to satisfy in His way or give us grace to return good for evil.
b. Express gratitude for the things he/she does do to show love and adds to the health of the relationship/home.
c. Share your needs with your spouse and let him/her know how you would appreciate help in the situation.
d. Remember she/ he may not want to or may not know how to meet your need.
e. Continue to satisfy his/her needs regardless of whether he/she satisfies yours.
f. Give God time and go to Him in prayer to change the other person’s heart and give your partner grace as you love like Jesus. (I Peter 3:1)
Remember:
Love should not be forced or manipulated. God’s love should be given freely even if it is not returned in the ways we want. Loving as Jesus loves requires the presence and power of Holy Spirit to produce love and give graciously. (John 13:34-35)
Would you join me in being a peacemaker rather than a troublemaker or a peacemaker versus a peace enforcer? I know it isn’t easy but Holy Spirit in us is a powerful life-changer…ours, now, and perhaps others, later.
This Psalm of David (Psalm 4) reveals how God wants us to look at trials and where we go for peace.
Psalm 4[a]
For the director of music. With stringed instruments. A psalm of David.
1 Answer me when I call to you,
my righteous God.
Give me relief from my distress;
have mercy on me and hear my prayer.
2 How long will you people turn my glory into shame?
How long will you love delusions and seek false gods[b]?[c]
3 Know that the Lord has set apart his faithful servant for himself;
the Lord hears when I call to him.
4 Tremble and[d] do not sin;
when you are on your beds,
search your hearts and be silent.
5 Offer the sacrifices of the righteous
and trust in the Lord.
6 Many, Lord, are asking, “Who will bring us prosperity?”
Let the light of your face shine on us.
7 Fill my heart with joy
when their grain and new wine abound.
8 In peace I will lie down and sleep,
for you alone, Lord,
make me dwell in safety.