Deference: Yielding or deferring to another for their benefit. (Eph. 5:2)
Merriam-Webster describes deference as “In consideration of,” “respect and esteem due,” “affected or ingratiating regard for another’s wishes.”
Have you ever had an instance where you deferred to another? Maybe it was where to go to eat, how to do a budget, how to raise the children, what to do with time off…. Sometimes deferring to another is easy, but there are times that it can be difficult.
If the situation doesn’t really matter to you, it can be easy to just let another person have his/her way; but what to do if you truly believe in what you want instead of deferring to another?
First, you need to bring your concerns to God. Do you have a biblical reason for your point of view, or is it just personal? If personal, is pride or self-interest involved? When appropriate, you should absolutely share your heart with the other person regarding the issue.
When it comes to marriage, wives, we are told to submit to our husbands. The word submit can often seem like a dirty word, but in reality it is a form of protection. God has placed the husband over his wife just as Christ is over us, His Church. It does not mean the husband is more important than his wife, but rather he is ultimately responsible to protect, shelter, and show God’s love for his family. A husband should hear his wife and take into account what she says and how she feels. A wife should trust her husband to take all of her concerns and his own concerns to God. Can you trust your husband to protect you in this way? Do you? Husbands, do you invite input and feedback from your wife? Do you listen well and insure that she knows she’s been heard?
Deference is not about getting your way, but about doing what is best for others. Sometimes we may need to put our thoughts and feelings aside to do what is best overall. This can be difficult, for sure, but putting your trust in God can help alleviate any stress you may have.
Here is an example of deference: My husband and I saw some “red flags” in the lives of our adult children. We knew that they are adults and should make their own decisions. I wanted to address some of the red flags we saw, but my husband was steadfast in allowing our adult children to make their own decisions unless we were asked. My argument was, if we see something, shouldn’t we speak up; but my husband had a different view. His thoughts were, “yes, we see red flags, but God is in control of their lives.” Just as he and I struggled through growing pains in our own marriage and parenting, so our kids may need to as well.
We trusted God, as He addressed our areas of pain, and now we trusted Him to address our children’s, as well. Though I was emotionally invested in this, I deferred to my husband. Guess what? He had wisdom! It was difficult for me to defer to him in this situation, but as it played out, God was the ONE that moved! Things I saw as red flags began to change without me opening my mouth! God is so good!
Deference is a kind of faith issue. Can you trust yourself to speak the truth in love with your spouse or other friend? Can you trust God to lead you to a decision? Can you trust your spouse/friend to do what is best based on what you hear from God?
Even discussing the issues with others and with God can provide time to hear and respond, giving deference to others, but particularly putting God’s will above our own!
I am being tested on this very issue right now! I will listen to God and my spouse before making a decision on my actions! Thank God for His Spirit to guide us into all truth!