Do You “Enjoy a Good Argument”? I Don’t (and I will Debate Anyone Who Disagrees! JK)
Having met with several friends in the last month, we brought to the table the ideas of disagreements and arguments. It just seems to be a theme in the air. Maybe it is spring, or allergies are causing us to be thin skinned. Some of the tensions we discussed are with church folks, some with family, some over differences in beliefs, and some over personal preferences. Why does it seem so hard for us to speak the truth in love to each other? Yet, that is exactly what God tells us in scripture (Ephesians 4:15). Some of us are good at “telling the truth- loudly or emphatically. Others are good at being “loving” in their speech but find it hard to be truthful.
In the story of us (Carol and me, not the movie) learning to speak the truth in love has been a bumpy ride. When I am truthful but too emphatic, I come across as upset and unfeeling. When I don’t find a way to tell the truth in love, I leave issues unfinished and emotions unhealed. So, we are learning and will continue to make progress in this most important area.
What has been your history? Did you live in a family where truth was spoken in love? Did you, as Carol, grow up in a home where “truth” was spoken (or opinions shared) loudly and in anger? Or perhaps you grew up in a home as I did where not much controversy was allowed, or differing opinions shared. We were trying to be nice (loving) by not speaking the truth.
In either situation, the truth was not spoken in love as the scriptures declare.
Consequently, we entered marriage not knowing how to calmly discuss differences without getting our feelings hurt, so we waited a long time to try to resolve issues. Those little molehills became mountains over the first 20 years of our marriage, especially around that 20-year milestone.
Here is the difference God is making in us these days and over the previous years. We can now tell each other the truth about what we do to encourage each other or meet each other’s needs on the positive side and are also able to say when we have been hurt or recognize we have hurt/offended the other. Sure, it is uncomfortable sharing some of those failures, but we get to make up sooner, admit wrong more openly to God and each other, and continue making progress. That progress may have been slowed to a crawl by our frank discussions, but it doesn’t stop. Speaking truth in love is God’s way of helping us stay on track in our marriage. And sharing the positive ways we have communicated love to each other is much more fun!