Security (Peace): Establishing and maintaining harmony in our relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm through expressions of vulnerability, deepening of trust, and the successful resolution of conflict. (Romans 12:16,18)
Have you ever had a friend who was kind of hard to please? For example, he/she may feel you don’t make enough time for the friendship. Maybe they feel you don’t call enough, or you simply are just not involved enough. Often, you feel a tension and anxiety to BE all they need, but honestly you don’t feel comfortable just being yourself around them. This kind of friendship/relationship can feel less than secure, can’t it? You may have other relationships like this as well, family, co-workers, neighbors, or church family. So, what do you do when you are in this situation?
First…PRAY! Prior to attempting resolution of conflict, prayer is essential. Alone or together, pray. Never speak out of frustration or anger but speak truth in love. Security only comes in a relationship when you can be open and vulnerable, especially about true feelings and circumstances as you see them. See, this goes both ways! Your friend feels uncared for by you, leaving insecurity to sprout within the relationship, and you feel you have to be something you are not, in order to try and measure up to expectations. Sometimes inviting God into it may lead you to have a difficult conversation the two of you have been avoiding.
We do not have the right nor is it a good idea to tell others that their feelings are invalid. In the same way, no one should tell you that your feelings are invalid. When you find yourselves in a difficult place, where both have very strong, opposing feelings, the best step can be to try and find out why you each feel the way you do. Have a heart to heart conversation in love, such as:
:Can you please explain to me how I made you feel when________________? (Listen well)
:Acknowledge their feelings, “I am sorry I hurt you in that way, will you forgive me?”
:How may I do things differently so you feel secure in our relationship? (Listen well)
:May we put into practice what we discussed and give one another grace as we learn a new way?
:Share what the relationship personally means to you.
This can feel uncomfortable, but when you try to meet one another in love and respect, your relationship can build a deepened trust. Sometimes just acknowledging hurts, unmet needs and your concern with one another can be what builds security into the relationship.
Know, too, that there are certain situations where no solution can be found. Or maybe a better way to say it is, “there is a solution but one or both of the parties involved won’t take the steps”. This is so clearly the main reason why our relationship with God is the bedrock foundation for our personal security. Knowing, really knowing, you are a loved child of God doesn’t make the conflicts in life easier necessarily, but over time we can join the Apostle Paul in declaring,
“We have this light from God in our human bodies. This shows that the power is from God. It is not from ourselves. We are pressed on every side, but we still have room to move. We are often in much trouble, but we never give up. People make it hard for us, but we are not left alone. We are knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
(2 Corinthians 4:7-9 NLV)
- Light of Jesus – Walk in it! Remember the conflicts Jesus faced. Not every conflict ended well for Him. Particularly, when He was killed at Calvary. The conflict with the religious leaders is what drove Him to the cross. Jesus, even in His death, loved and forgave those who did such atrocities to Him. He was not happy about the pain, but He had joy about the accomplishment of forgiveness then and now available to us. Read Hebrews 12:1-4. How are you at being willing to do God’s will to help others see the reality of Christ in your life – even when the resolution of conflict is not found?
- Light of God’s Word – Just Do It! Take a look at 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 again. Would you look back at a recent conflict and recall your response and the responses of those with whom you were in conflict? Where is the relationship currently? Do you see where the passage ( “7 We have this light from God in our human bodies. This shows that the power is from God. It is not from ourselves. 8 We are pressed on every side, but we still have room to move. We are often in much trouble, but we never give up. 9 People make it hard for us, but we are not left alone. We are knocked down, but we are not destroyed.”) was or is now being applied? Are you resting in God’s power?
- Light of Real Fellowship – Enjoy it! Please discuss an old conflict where resolution came with your family/friends, and take a few minutes to discover and discuss how God brought resolution. Who moved? Who needed to move? What changes made the difference?