I Just Washed My Expectations and Can’t Do a Thing with Them!
Last Friday evening I was on a Zoom meeting with some couples in Queretaro, Mexico, where we have connections with another marriage ministry. We have been doing some online teaching with them. One lady got us into a long discussion of what she is to do when she asks here husband to do something and he says, “No”.
I am pretty sure she wanted me to fix him! Wellllll, that got deep quickly as you can imagine. interestingly, their assignment for the week in their marriage workbook is to delve into the world of expectations, wishes, desires, sharing the truth in love, and how to respond when expectations aren’t met. That couple may have a huge breakthrough as God guides them to His truth by Holy Spirit.
There is a huge difference between what we can expect in a marriage/friendship versus what we can expect in a contractual relationship such as employer/employee. Expectations are defined and both parties have obligations to fulfill in a contract. If breaches in the contract are serious enough and no solution is found, the parties can part ways. Here, one party has authority and control based on the contract.
But we are talking about marriage/friendship relationships, and that is a different story.
Let me see if I can keep this simple and biblical.
- Of course, couples/people bring expectations and hopes into the marriage/relationships. Some are spoken and some are assumed. Each has needs person has needs.
- Scripture teaches we are to grow up into Christ, be conformed to His image, and “speak the truth in love” in relationships. (Ephesians 4:15)
- Ideally, we can explain our needs and desires to our partner/friend and the partner/friend will try to meet the needs and fulfill the desires. No person can do this perfectly. As relationships mature many of the desires and needs no longer have to be voiced – they are already known and love motivates us to meet the need.
- Too often, needs and wishes go unexplained and unspoken. They are held by one person, expected of the other, but never spoken in love to each other. In other situations the needs, desires and wishes are expressed in anger and frustration. Either way, the expectations and desires probably go unmet.
- No one can remember, know, or meet all needs. Only God can do that. He certainly chooses to meet many of our needs through other people. Some He meets on His own – with or without our help.
- Spoken or Unspoken – when needs go unmet and desires unfulfilled, the offended party has choices to make about what to do next-how to respond.
- Hurt unresolved can become anger or fear.
- Anger or Fear unresolved may become a breach in the relationship and bitterness sets in.
OR
- The offended party may explain the hurt they feel so that resolution can be experienced and forgiveness may be asked and given.
- A solution can be planned to meet the need or fulfill the desire – where possible.
BUT – what do we do when the unmet need remains unmet and the desire remains unfulfilled?
- Ideally, the offended party would take his/her needs to God in prayer and trust God to meet that need legitimately as God chooses. This is a faith response.
- You and I can explain our needs clearly but no person HAS TO meet our needs. Demanding that our needs be met by another person often results in ungratefulness even if the spouse/friend is coerced into meeting the need.
- When God meets our needs through another willing person, our gratitude awakens and the relationship with God and the person is strengthened.
- When two people lovingly give to meet the needs of the other, that relationship/friendship moves to a deeper, healthier level and we call it Mutual Giving. We also call it godly love.
- When we are willing to stop demanding/expecting others to meet our needs and, instead, to focus on giving to meet the needs of another, we are showing the love of Jesus clearly. That is how He loves us!
- Look at Matthew 20:28 — ‘just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Bottom Line: Are you willing to trust God to meet your needs as He chooses and to wait in faith for His provision, rather that demand others meet your needs even after you have calmly explained the need? Are you willing to continue to love others in the power of the Holy Spirit of God and to demonstrate Christ-like love even when you are suffering the pain of unmet relational needs?