Respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions. (Romans 12:10, 1 Peter 2;17)
Does your spouse have a high need for RESPECT? If your answer is yes, do you know how to meet that need in him/her?
Are you the one in the marriage that has this need? Have you ever thought through exactly HOW you like this need met? What does your spouse do that makes you feel respected or not respected?
What if both husband and wife have the same need for respect? Will the need be met the same exact way for both?
You can ask these same questions for each of the Relational Needs, but let’s look at some answers regarding the need for Respect this week.
THREE SOURCES OF LIGHT – Help Us Experience Respect
Light Source #1: Jesus is the Light of the World (John 8:12) Walking in the Light: Having a fresh encounter with Jesus. (Respect)
Let’s take a look at our definition for respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions. How did Jesus show respect for others and have you experienced respect from Him?
Romans 12:10: Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. If your spouse has respect as a priority need, “doing this scripture” is a great way to start meeting that need. Let’s break this scripture down into actions.
Devote yourself to him/her. What does that mean exactly? Here are some synonyms to describe what being devoted to your spouse may look like: adoring, affectionate, loving, fond of, tender, considerate, compassionate, forgiving, understanding…just to name a few.
Honor him/her: To honor someone means to highly respect and esteem them. We are to honor our spouse by holding them higher than ourselves in value. What do you think? Do you think your spouse (or you) would feel respected if you just started by devotion to and honoring them?
Do you know that God respects you in this way? Have you experienced his adoring affection? His tenderness and compassion? Do you know that He placed YOUR salvation above His own Son’s life!? If you answered “yes”, ….can you love your spouse like that??? Will you get to know his/her priority needs and learn how to meet them. As Jesus is devoted to you, will you show respect to your spouse?
I was thinking how seldom do children hear or see respect being illustrated in our culture and how valuable a clear example of two people mutually respecting each other would be. Sounds like seeing respect at home might be the the best example they could be given. Let’s focus on that this week!
Light Source #2: God’s Word is a lamp and a light, so walk in the light of frequent experiences of doing His Word. Psalm 119: 105
Lets do: Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.
The only way our spouse will know how to meet our need for respect is if we tell him/her. We may feel our spouse should “just know”, but honestly how can they be expected to “just know”? Plus, their version of meeting respect may look totally different than yours. We have to remember to be honest with our spouse by communicating openly and clearly. Please be sure your spouse has a very clear understanding of what you deem as appropriate respect. Answer this question and ask it of your spouse: What does being respected mean to you? No misunderstanding need exist any longer.
Your spouse may be a little shocked that he/she hasn’t met your needs. He/She may have thought all along that he/she had! This is more of a reason to talk with one another about what you need from each other. Meet the need for respect for your spouse by clarifying needs and how those needs are met.
This conversation may feel awkward at first but please know that you are not having this talk in order to take from one another but to learn and give love to each other more effectively! Love in marriage always has room to grow!
Light Source #3: God’s people are sources of light so walk in real fellowship with your spouse and/or a trusted friend: “the light of the world.” Matthew 5:14
If you and your spouse share the need for respect as one of your top needs should you assume it is safe to show her/him respect in the same way you receive it? After-all, you feel completely respected by your spouse when she/he checks with you first before making plans so you may feel he/she would feel the same way, right? Sorry friend, wrong. Your spouse may not really care if you check with them first before making plans.
I know it may seem a little mind boggling and you almost feel a sense of relief when you and your spouse share the same need. You may think, “Yes! That’s easy! I know how I feel respected so I will just do that to him/her!” I think most of us would certainly think that way, but the cool thing is….God made us all different!! We feel things differently and in the case of this need, we feel respected differently. That is not to say our spouse will not share some of the same ways you feel respect, but there may be more to it that we need to discover about him/her.
So let’s take the time to sit and chat with our spouse about how HE or SHE feels respected.
Maybe you don’t know your priority needs. It is well worth the time to take this little assessment to find out. (below) Make a copy for you and your spouse and find out what each other is needing! Then, sit and talk over coffee and find out how they feel that need would be met. For example: I feel respected when you greet me at the door. I feel comforted when you take the time to listen to me talk about the hard day I had and just hug and encourage me.
You may also want to share ways that you might have felt disrespected or not comforted when you needed comfort. If your spouse shares a time when his/her need was not met, would you ask him/her for forgiveness? You probably did not mean to ignore their need and you probably just didn’t know how to meet it. Unmet needs cause our spouse to feel hurt. Asking for forgiveness takes away the opportunity for bitterness and resentment to set in.
Remember it is OK to admit you don’t know how to meet needs and to ask how to meet it. If your spouse says “I don’t know how to meet some of the needs you have or asks for help from you, please show grace…your spouse really is saying, “I want to know you and I really want to know how to meet your needs because I love you!” You could perhaps get angry, thinking he/she should already know your need, but asking you a question and admitting the need for help are ways respect is shown. Wouldn’t you rather have a conversation, though perhaps a bit uncomfortable at first, that results in a deeper relationship with your spouse than allowing misunderstanding and distance to grow?
When you sit with your spouse having these type of conversations remember a few things: Invite God into it! Be thankful you are even talking! Know that you are FOR each other and not against each other. Authentic communication is key to a healthy relationship. If you don’t tell them, they won’t know! You love each other enough to ask the hard questions. You love each other enough to give the honest answers to those questions.
Relational Needs Assessment: Instructions: Take time to individually respond to the following statements by placing the appropriate number beside each sentence. When you have completed all 50 statements, you may interpret your answers by using the Identifying Your Top Needs Scoring .
Strongly Disagree 1 Disagree 2 Neutral 3 Agree 4 Strongly Agree 5
_1.It is important that people receive me for who I am – even if I’m a little “different.” _2.It is important to me that my world is in order. _3.I sometimes grow tired of trying to do my best. _4.It is significant to me when others ask my opinion. _5.It is important that I receive frequent physical hugs, warm embraces, etc. _6.I feel good when someone takes a special interest in the things that are important to me. _7.It is important for me to know “where I stand” with those who are in authority over me. _8.It is meaningful when someone notices that I need help and then offers to get involved. _9.When I feel overwhelmed, I especially need someone to come alongside me and help. _10. I feel pleased when someone recognizes and shows concern for how I’m feeling emotionally. _11. I like to know that I am significant and valued by others. _12. Generally speaking, I don’t like a lot of solitude. _13. I like it when my loved ones say to me, “I love you.” _14. I don’t like being seen only as a part of a large group – my individuality is important. _15. I am pleased when a friend calls to listen to me and encourage me. _16. It is important to me that people acknowledge me not just for what I do but for who I am. _17. I feel best when my world is orderly and somewhat predictable. _18. When I’ve worked hard on a project, I am pleased to have people acknowledge my work and express gratitude. _19. When I blow it, it is important to me to be reassured that I am still loved. _20. It is encouraging to me when I realize that others notice my skills and strengths. _21. I sometimes feel overwhelmed and discouraged. _22. It’s important to me to be treated with kindness and equality, regardless of my race, gender, looks, and status. _23. To have someone I care about touch me on the arm or shoulder or give me a hug feels good. _24. I enjoy it when someone wants to spend time with just me. _25. It is meaningful when someone I look up to says, “Good job.” _26. It is important to me for someone to show concern for me after I’ve had a hard day. _27. While I may feel confident about what I “do” (my talents, gifts, etc.), I also believe that I need other people’s input and help. _28. Written notes and calls expressing sympathy after the death of a loved one, health problems, or other stressful events are (or would be) very meaningful to me. _29. I feel good when someone shows satisfaction with the way I am. _30. I enjoy being spoken well of or affirmed in front of a group of people. _31. I would be described as an “affectionate” person. _32. When a decision is going to affect my life, it is important to me that my input is sought and given serious consideration. _33. I am pleased when someone shows interest in current projects on which I am working. _34. I appreciate trophies, plaques, and special gifts, which are permanent reminders of something significant that I have done. _35. It is not unusual for me to worry about the future. _36. When I am introduced into a new environment, I typically search for a group of people with whom I can connect. _37. The possibility of major change (moving, new job…etc.) produces anxiety for me. _38. It bothers me when people are prejudiced against others just because they dress or act differently. _39. It is necessary for me to be surrounded by friends and loved ones who will be there “through thick and thin.” _40. Receiving written notes and expressions of gratitude particularly pleases me. _41. To know that someone is thinking of me is very meaningful. _42. People who try to control me or others annoy me. _43. I am pleased by unexpected and spontaneous expressions of care. _44. I feel important when someone looks me in the eye and listens to me without distractions. _45. I am grateful when people commend me for a positive characteristic I exhibit. _46. I don’t like to be alone when experiencing hurt and trouble; it is important for me to have a companion who will be with me. _47. I don’t enjoy working on a project by myself; I prefer to have a “partner” on important projects. _48. It is important for me to know I am “part of the group.” _49. I respond to someone who tries to understand me emotionally and who shows me caring concern. _50. When working on a project, I would rather work with a team of people than by myself.
Add up your responses corresponding to each question to find the totals related to each need.
Acceptance Security Appreciation 1 2 11 19 17 18 36 35 25 38 37 34 48 39 40 Total Total Total
Encouragement Respect Affection 3 4 5 15 14 13 21 22 23 33 32 31 41 42 43 Total Total Total
Attention Approval Comfort 6 7 10 12 16 26 24 20 28 30 29 46 44 45 49 Total Total Total
Support 8 9 27 47 50 Total
- What were your three highest totals? Which needs do they represent?
- What were your three lowest totals? Which needs do they represent?