The Nothing’s Wrong Game
Have you and your spouse ever played this game? Maybe you have played it with your parents or friend?
“Are you OK? You seem down today.”
“I’m fine.”
“Are you sure? You are quieter than usual.”
“I’m telling you, I am fine!”
“OK…”
Meanwhile…you are not really “fine” and, the truth is, you are hurting inside, but may not know how to express it. You also may be upset with your spouse/parent/friend for not digging in further and just believing what you told them. That’s strange isn’t it? Saying we are “fine” may not be the truth at all, but somehow we want the other person to keep asking.
Should your spouse believe your answer to their inquiry or not? Isn’t it important that we grow in our relationships so that others believe what you say 100% of the time? Ephesians 4:15!
This is the goal we would love to see you achieve in your relationships. Come to a place where your “yes” means “yes” and your “no” means “no” (Matthew 5:37). Then the person you are in relationship with knows that they can trust what you say every time.
Wouldn’t your marriage or other relationships be better if you could be absolutely authentic with one another? If you are hurting, you can say you are hurting and know you won’t be judged or “fixed”, but instead you would be loved and accepted?
The “I’m fine” or “nothing’s wrong” player in this game may have a deep need for attention and support. He/She may have opened up in the past only to feel more hurt or not supported, leading to fear of being vulnerable again.
Let’s put an end to this game!
You may try this in the future:
If you are feeling hurt and your spouse/parent/friend asks if you are OK, think about your real need. For example: What is “the need” at the moment? Are you feeling alone, unsupported, sad, need help with a task etc…
Express your need in a loving, clear way. “I need ……..”. Remember it is OK to be needy. God created you needy on many levels. Everyone is 100% needy of God’s love and provision 100% of the time!.
If you are the one asking “Are you Ok?” Please be sensitive. Listen carefully to what he/she is saying and try not to be a fixer unless he/she asks for help or advice.
If you find that your spouse/parent/friend is not ready/willing to talk at the moment just let him/her know that you are there for them when they are ready to talk about it. You might say something like, “I see you are feeling down today. I want you to know that I am here when/if you would like to talk about it. I care for you and don’t want to see you hurting.”
Actions like this can be a game changer!
Let’s look quickly at another game…The Blame Game.
Sometimes we see this game being played between our children.
“I didn’t do it! You did it!”
“No, I didn’t do it. You did it!”
“It is all your fault! You made me write on the walls!”
“No, I didn’t! You are the one that had the markers!”
Here is the adult version:
“Why do you work so late? I am with the kids all day and don’t have any time for myself!”
“If you didn’t nag so much, I wouldn’t stay at the office so late!”
“Why can’t you be more like ________________?”
If you would take me on a date once in awhile maybe I would be more like ______________!”
You almost expect children to play this game as they are learning social interaction, but this is such a hurtful game when adults play it. Both adult players have such deep unmet needs. The adult players may have had a lack of empathy as children. Their parents may have been critical, not involved in their lives or very hard to please. Whatever the reason, we adults have, at times, a hard time taking personal responsibility for fear of being criticized or unloved.
How does The Blame Game come to end??
You assume responsibility for your actions. You confess and ask for forgiveness as appropriate.
You hold yourself accountable to God and possibly to someone you trust.
You share your need. ” I really would love if you came home earlier from work. I love spending time with you.” “Honey, I am sorry I compared you to _______________. I have really felt alone lately. I love you. Would you forgive me?”
Next week we’ll look at more marital games. Yes there are more!
The goal for examining these Marital Games is to end them and replace them with the communication principle found in Ephesians 4:15 – Rather, speaking the truth in love , we are to grow up in every way into Him who is the head, into Christ,
Though difficult to find, you and I are to become adults who are mature enough to speak the truth in love to one another
Our prayer is that these marital games come to an end, and we grow in intimacy with one another. These marital games are NOT fun, and they hurt. Let’s stop playing, OK?