“Is it a Hill I Want to Die On?”

Deference:

Yielding or deferring to another for their benefit.

(Eph. 5:2)

Deference can actually be a lot of fun! Deference can be a way to “spoil” your spouse/others by yielding to what they want/like. My husband bases a lot of his decisions by asking himself, “Is this a hill I want to die on?” Meaning, Is this something I really want/need to fight for or is it OK to defer to my wife/others for their benefit? You can get out of a lot of arguments and make your spouse “swoon” with this mentality! 🙂

Deference can be practiced! One fun way is to plan a date for your spouse/child/friend around something that would please them, which is a way to enter their world. It can be easy to plan dates around what you like/prefer, but when you plan around others likes/preferences it communicates worth to him/her.

Another way to practice deference, (notice I say “practice.” Being intentional for one another takes practice.) is during a disagreement. Again. I ask, “Is this a hill you want to die on?” At times we may disagree because we just want to win, but at what cost, my friend? The cost can hurt long after the disagreement. I am not saying just be a doormat and allow everyone to walk all over you, but what I am saying, if you can defer for the sake of your spouse/friend/others, it shows respect and care. You show you value his/her thoughts and opinions even if /when they differ from your own.

A Fun Fact: “Is This a Hill I want to Die on?” is a military term. In the past defending a hill gave you an advantage point from your enemy. Often fighting to keep your hill meant many soldiers would perish to defend it. Commanders would ask themselves before taking over a hill if it was worth losing soldiers and fighting for.

So, when you are in a position to defer, ask yourself “Is this a hill I want to die on?” You might be surprised at your answer! 

1. Our Lord Jesus chose to die on a hill called Calvary because deferring to the Enemy would mean death for us. Calvary was a hill worth dying on! At other times Jesus allowed those who would eventually betray Him, to ask their loaded questions meant to trap Him. He knew those were arguments not yet ready to be confronted. The closer He got to Calvary and the crucifixion, the more His answers and questions were meant to confront the evil being planned for Him.
2. How does Holy Spirit make clear how we are to judge when to defer and when to stand our ground? Can you give examples when God’s love meant you needed to not confront or delay a confrontation versus when you knew it was time to “speak the truth in love” at that moment?
3. Talk to your spouse and other friends at a gathering in the near future and ask how they have practiced deference in choosing which “hills to die on” versus “ letting someone else take that hill so that you could live to love another day?