My Hurtful Actions Were Unintentional…Until They Weren’t!
When Jesus walked on this earth during His first advent, He showed us what the Father was really like, clearing up many misconceptions about the character of God, the Father. Some understood that Jesus was from the Father, as He claimed, but many did not. At first their responses to Him were unintentionally ignorant and disrespectful, but later many of the religious leaders knew who He was and still rejected Him and tried to kill Him…eventually they succeeded. BUT, He didn’t remain in the grave, did He? When Jesus’ claims were believed and people trusted Him as the “one who came to take away the sin of the world”, it was as if those people were saying, “Jesus, I am so glad you came to us from the Father. Thank you for being my Savior.” He didn’t need our approval, but when He was received as Savior a relationship was started making all the difference in the world to those believers.
At times we unintentionally hurt people, leaving them alone and unloved in a way that can be readily and easily remedied. We call it “approval” and it sounds like this: “I am so glad you are my husband (wife, son, daughter, friend, father, mother).” Or we may say, “I am so proud that we get to do life together and have time to know each other. You are worth knowing.” This relational need has something to do with behavior but more to do with who you are and the value you bring to a relationship just by being you.
I wish I could say that I never took my family for granted or even unintentionally hurt them, leaving them alone and unknown. But, I can’t say that honestly. I didn’t mean to leave them alone or unknown, but I can say truthfully that I didn’t even know the needs to be approved, appreciated, comforted, supported, and accepted were “things” that had names and could be met simply. I finally learned, and by God’s grace did meet some of them, but I wanted to meet them all after getting educated in relationship needs.
Would you be willing to get better and make progress in loving others as Jesus did? Look over the Ten Relationship Needs listed in the link below and have some conversations with your parent, spouse, friends, children, co-workers about how important they are to you….not just for what they do but for who they are. Jesus approved of His disciples letting them know how important they were, even giving them responsible ministry. He let them know that He loved them and was glad they were His friends. If Jesus loves this way, i know we are to do that too…even if we have to be the one to initiate the process and do it when no one else does it for us. Willing to try? Let’s go!
When people are hurt unintentionally over time, they may begin to hurt others back..unintentionally or intentionally. We sometimes hurt others passive-aggressively by not doing what others want us to do, especially if the person who hurt us wants us to do something for them. Whatever our response, we are to consider this: “Do not return evil for evil but overcome evil with good.” Romans 12:21
We can start repairing a broken relationship bridge by expressing how much we approve of others and the place they have in our life. My wife and I are doing this better now as we learn how to express approval. I may say, “My life is richer and happier because you are in it.” “You are such a big part of my life, and I am glad you are in it.” “I think about what my life would be without you, and I know I want us to be together as long as God grants us life.”
On the way home from an appointment today, I realized how much it would mean to a spouse to hear us say, “I love you and I am not going anywhere. I want to be with you and love you your whole life.”
The life of Karen Carpenter and her tragic end reveals just how important it would have been to her to know she was approved by her parents and others rather than never feeling good enough, attractive enough, successful enough. She was great, attractive, and super successful, but it was never enough for her to feel good enough either for herself, parents, or her fans.