Oh! The Marital Games We Play!
Let’s Get Ready to Ruuuuuumble!!!! Welcome to Marital Games!
First up! The Complainer vs. The Procrastinator The husband/wife starts out just asking their spouse to do a simple task. The “game” begins when the spouse that was asked “puts off” (procrastinates) the task he/she agreed to do. The spouse that asked now becomes the “complainer” because nagging becomes the method used to get the task done. The game may look like this:
The complainer: “Honey, would you please take the trash out?” The procrastinator: “Sure, after the game!” The complainer: “The game has been over for an hour, can you take the trash out now?” The procrastinator: “I said I would take it out!” The complainer: “Forget it! I will just take it out myself! I don’t know why I even bother to ask you to do anything!” The procrastinator: “Stop being such a nag! What are you – my mother?”
Let’s look at the emotional needs of both players in this game. The Complainer: The need for attention is going unmet. The complainer may be thinking, “If my husband/wife really listened to or cared more for me instead of the T.V, I wouldn’t have to be a nag! I don’t want to nag, but how else do I get her/him to respond?” The more the need for attention goes unmet, the more hurt settles in. Each time this game begins, the complainer gets more and more angry as the hurt gets deeper and deeper.
The Procrastinator: The need for appreciation is going unmet. The procrastinator may be thinking, “Nag, nag, nag…that’s all I hear! Do this, do that! I am tired and I really just want to watch T.V. Why can’t my husband/wife understand that simple fact and be grateful for what I do around here?” This player is angry! Wouldn’t you say? The more “Procrastinator” feels unappreciated by “Complainer”, the hurt goes deeper and stronger. That hurt turns into anger.
Now let’s play The Nothing’s Wrong Game! These players have a special uniform. They may wear attitude or “snarky” body language. They have excellent eye rolling and cabinet slamming skills! The game is…how can I let my spouse know something is wrong without actually saying what it is! Spouse: “You seem to be upset, do you want to talk about it? The Game Player: “Nothing’s wrong!” (as pots and pans are being slammed in the kitchen) Spouse: “Did I do something wrong?” The Game Player: Eye roll, hand on hip…”I said, EVERYTHING IS FINE!”
The spouse thinks..”Well OK then, he/she said everything is fine. I guess he/she is just in a bad mood. As long as I didn’t do anything I will just give him/her some space.” Meanwhile the game player is thinking, “I can’t believe he/she doesn’t know something is wrong with me? He/she should just know!”
Can you see the “foul” in this game? The player and the spouse both have needs going unmet, don’t they? For the “Nothing’s Wrong” player it seems a less vulnerable way to ask for the attention and support he/she needs. Maybe these needs were not met as a child and the “player” doesn’t really know how to ask for these needs in a healthy way.
For the spouse, he/she has experience in being involved in this game and probably has past hurt because of it. The spouse may not even be aware of his/her own needs and therefore probably not aware of the “players” needs either.
The last game of the day is……
The Blame Game This game requires both players to have excellent finger pointing skills and the ability to play the game with a log sticking out of one’s eye! (Matthew 7:3) This game can be played in all relationships, but let’s focus on the game between a husband and wife. The object of this game is to avoid taking personal responsibility and to point out all faults in your spouse diverting the blame from yourself.
Player 1: “Hon, I don’t think I should have to take out the trash again.” Player 2: “But it is your turn. Remember I did it last time.” Player 1: “Why are you yelling at me?” Player 2: “If you weren’t so lazy I wouldn’t get mad at you!” Player 1: “Can you blame me for just wanting to sit down with you and chill?” Player 2: “If you helped more around here and came home on time, maybe we would HAVE more time together!” Player 1: “I would come home earlier if you didn’t nag me as soon as I walk in the door!” Player 2: “Oh, yea, well I wouldn’t nag you so much if you weren’t so lazy.” Player 2: “Did I say that already?”
And…the game goes back and forth spewing hurt between players.
Both players have emotional needs that are going unmet and instead of communicating those needs in a loving way, they communicate the need by finger pointing and blame. Most likely the original hurt, ex: the need for support: “If you helped me more around here” gets poked every time that need goes unmet. Eventually the anger builds and the words spew.
Were your parents hard to please, critical of you or rarely – if ever – entered into your world? Often the lack of empathy or apologies from those close to you when you were young is the cause to push blame on others and not take personal responsibility for your actions.
Who are the winners in these games? Sadly no one. Often these games leave each player badly bruised and very much alone – unmet needs stay unmet and aloneness is heightened. The idea is to stop playing the games and learn to build trust and intimacy as friends who not only love but also like each other.
So how do we STOP playing these games?
For our game players in The Complainer VS. The Procrastinator we can get the Complainer out of the boxing ring by simply stating the need. When Complainer asks spouse for help, ask in a clear way so that the task is understandable and the time frame reasonable. Ask the Procrastinator if the task can be accomplished by that time. If it cannot be done in your suggested time, ask your spouse if he/she would please give you a time. This can diffuse any misunderstanding.
You may be asking, “But what if my spouse still doesn’t follow through by the time we set?” Lovingly, not in anger or with negative body language, remind him/her and offer to do the task yourself if they are realizing they just don’t have the time. Realize sometimes that happens and that your spouse really might not have the time as they first thought. Always be FOR your spouse!
For our game player, The Procrastinator: Do the task if you commit to it or be honest if you really can’t do it or don’t want to. Offer to hire someone or ask your spouse if they wouldn’t mind taking care of it this time. The point is to show support to your spouse. If you say you will do something and don’t follow through you leave your spouse feeling unsupported.
For our Nothing’s Wrong game players: Pure honesty is the game changer here! Remember, your spouse can not read your thoughts or feelings. Communicate to your spouse exactly what you need from him/her in a kind, loving manner. Be sure to share your need at the right time, sharing at the dinner table with the kids around might not be the best place. If you have been hurt, share what your spouse did or said that caused the hurt in you. Your spouse will not know if you do not tell him/her. Remember “unintentional hurt” hurts just as much as intentional hurt.
Would you be brave and be vulnerable with your spouse? If fear of being vulnerable keeps you from sharing your need or hurt with your spouse, would you ask God to comfort you and give you the courage? Bring your heavenly Father into this…He waits for you!
Lastly… Our Blame Gamers: The only way to win this game is to take personal responsibility! Own up to your spouse and to God for your part in not meeting a need for your spouse. (“I see where I have hurt you.”) Confess and ask for forgiveness. (“I was wrong in what I said or the way I said it. Would you forgive me?”)
To avoid this game in the future, express your needs to your spouse. As our Nothing’s Wrong player, our spouse will not know what we need unless we share with them.
To avoid all of these games you must allow the Ref (Jesus) to be the center of your relationship. He has an awesome play-book filled with perfect ways to love one another.
Stay tuned for part two of Marital Games next month!( Performer Vs. Yes, But,) (Outdone Vs Sweet Martyr,) and (Frustrated Vs. Never Enough.)