In Part One we focused on The Complainer VS. The Procrastinator, The Nothing’s Wrong Game, and The Blame Game. This week our focus will be on The Performer VS. The Yes, But, Outdone VS Sweet Martyr, and Frustrated VS. Never Enough.
DING!!! Round 2 of Marital Games! Let The Games Begin!
Marital Game: Performer vs. Yes, But…. Our first players to the ring are The Performer VS. Yes, But….. The Performer: “Honey let’s call Fran and Ted and see if they would like to go to dinner Friday night.” Yes, But: “That sounds good but I will be busy all week and want to relax on Friday night.” The Performer: “OK, then how about Saturday night?” Yes, But: “What if Fran and Ted can’t get a sitter?” The Performer: “Well then just the two of us will go!” Yes, But: “That’s sweet but it would be more fun with another couple, don’t you think?” The Performer: “Well then we will wait until Fran and Ted can get a sitter.” Yes, But: ” Alright but I bet that won’t happen for awhile.”
The Performer is the one that gives suggestion and our Yes, But shoots them all down quickly. This game is often a power struggle between these two. They use this game to avoid speaking openly and truthfully with one another. Instead they rather dance around the ring to avoid authentic communication.
Both our players are playing with a deficit of emotional needs. Our “Performer” often has unresolved hurt and unmet needs for acceptance, approval and appreciation from their partner and our “Yes, But” has so many unmet needs that they never expect anyone to lovingly meet them.
Want out of this game? Take off your gloves and lean in a minute. Performer, Give your Yes, But partner a few suggestions. For example: ” Honey I think it would be fun to go to dinner with Fran and Ted. We can go out Friday or Saturday night. I think our neighbors daughter does babysitting, and we can ask her, if Fran and Ted don’t have one. Think about what night is best for you and I will make the plans once you decide. OK?”
For you “Yes, But” players, listen to the offers that your” Performer” is suggesting and think about them. Decide what you would really like to do and share that with your partner. Share your need without negativity and know you are worth having your need met and that your partner wants to meet them!
Do you have difficulty expressing your needs? Maybe you are not sure what your needs actually are?
Ding!!! Next game…Outdone Vs. Sweet Martyr
Sweet Martyr: “How was your day?” Outdone: “I had a really rough day.” Sweet Martyr: “Me too! I had such a hard day. I worked so hard at getting the house clean! Did you notice how shiny the floors are?”
The “Sweet Martyr” player is usually overwhelmed and conversations are often turned back to themselves. They often are very self-focused. They may fear that if they don’t bring up their need for appreciation or attention, that it will go unnoticed. It is likely that they did not have their needs for approval, appreciation, or attention met as a child.
Their partner, “The Outdone” player, often goes without their own needs being met because their partner is always bringing the focus back to themselves.They may grow frustrated and become passive aggressive as they try to meet the needs of their partner but desire their own needs to be met.
A real game changer for the “Outdone” player would be for them to be honest with their “Sweet Martyr” player and say things like, ” I appreciate you wanting to know how my day was, but I don’t feel you are really interested. I really need your comfort right now.”
“Sweet Martyr” player, you can turn this whole game around by listening and communicating to your partner that you hear what they are saying to you. Realize that it is OK for you to share your need, but remember your partner has needs too. Focus on how your partner meets your needs and look for ways you can meet his/hers.
Ding! Last Game of the day…. Frustrated VS. Never Enough
The interaction between these players can get down and dirty!
Never Enough: “I sure wish we could do the landscaping this weekend but we don’t have the money for it.” Frustrated: “I can pick up some extra hours at work so we can do the landscaping.” Never Enough: “I don’t like that you are working so many extra hours!” Frustrated: “If I don’t work extra hours we can’t do what you want to do in the yard!” Never Enough: “We will never be able to do what we want to do in this house! We can never afford it!”
Talk about a heated argument! This game is sure to lead to many of them. Our players are playing with a handicap! “Never Enough” probably never had enough need for security and attention met as they grew up. They fear if they don’t show their dissatisfaction that their need will never be met. Our “Frustrated” player feels the need to perform and meet all the needs of their partner. They often feel angry as they often go unappreciated.
Players…end this game in a tie by meeting one another’s needs. “Never Enough” player, be grateful! See what you already have and show appreciation to your “Frustrated” player. “Frustrated” player, Say thank you! Let your “Never Enough” player know how much it means to you when your spouse appreciates you.
Do you see yourself as one of these players? Maybe you see yourself as one of the players in the games in our Part One series. Do you go on playing the game or do you address it and get off of the playing field? The games we play…are played because needs have gone unmet and uncommunicated. Often they are game scars from our childhood. Would you like to improve your game and play as a healthy player instead of a wounded one?
It is important to develop a healthy habit of sharing your needs with your spouse. Being vulnerable can be scary, but it beats playing games, especially when the players of these games simply create more aloneness in themselves and the other partner. When you mutually give to one another you build intimacy. When you build intimacy you meet each other’s emotional needs. When you meet one another’s emotional needs you live a much happier life!
Games are meant to be fun….What do you say? Let’s leave these “not so fun” games out of our game night!