Ingredients of the Week
1. Joint Accomplishment “I need you.” “Each of us is important, but how much more could we accomplish and impact the world for God and for good by working together?”
Enemy of Joint Accomplishment is Self-Reliance “I don’t need you.”
2. Mutual Giving “I love you.” “Even if you stop giving to me, I will do my best to continue loving you unconditionally.” “When both of us are loving the other selflessly, our love will grow stronger and more beautiful as it more accurately reveals the love of God.”
Enemy of Mutual Giving is Selfishness “You must meet my desires and needs as I dictate.”
If each spouse gave 100% effort every day to make the marriage great, wouldn’t that be wonderful? No one really wants the spouse to only give a 50% effort. Let’s see if God can give us power and love that helps us give closer to 100% effort more often. When each knows the other is working toward that goal, approaching the 100% mutual effort becomes doable.
A Worthy Goal: (a little Support from TBI)
Don’t stop investing wisely into your marriage and family until your children and friends envy your relationship and want what you have…. “faith expressing itself in love” – Galatians 5:6.
Set aside a few minutes this week or plan a date night to discuss Joint Accomplishment and Mutual Giving together.
Husband, would you lead this time? Please be prepared to lead by reviewing the questions below. When ready, please initiate a “LOVE (Speak)” time.
LOVE(Speak)
1. (Joint Accomplishment) Becoming a parent or deciding not to have children is an example of Joint Accomplishment. Right? Right! What issues did you discuss when trying to decide whether or not to become parents or, at least, try to become parents? If you have kids, how is Parenting an ongoing example of Joint Accomplishment? How might you two be more on the same page regarding your parenting styles or goals?
2. (Mutual Giving) Tell your spouse about a time when he/she did something for you (gave to meet your needs) that completely surprised you. What was it about the situation that was surprising?
3. (Mutual Giving) Your spouse may not know what you need and may therefore not know how to demonstrate love to you in a way that deeply impacts your heart. Would you check out the Top Ten Relational Needs list and have a discussion about which are your 3 or 4 most important needs – currently? (See link at end of this section)
4. (Joint Accomplishment) What are some things that you and your spouse enjoy spending time doing together? Do you do them enough? Do you need to re-work your schedules to find more time to do them? Spend some time discussing how to make it happen.
5. (Over dinner or out together for a date) Would you take the time as a couple to put together a vision for your marriage in a 3-4 sentence paragraph? What do you want your marriage to become over the next 5 to 10 years? Be specific. You may wish to use the Top Ten Relational Needs to help you talk about relational issues. Maybe you can use some other good marriage book or resource to help you see what you want your marriage and family to look like in the future. It may be helpful to ask a trusted couple what their vision is for their marriage. Application: Do you meet with each other on a regular basis to discuss schedules, finances, etc.? Consider adding this question to the agenda: “Where do you most need my help today, this coming week (month, etc.)?”
What About the Kids? Ask – Listen – Respond
1. If appropriate, ask your children, “What would you like to do this weekend (or some specific day)?” Allow them to choose the activity and give them parameters early in this process. For example, “we can spend $20-$30”, “you and I will be going on this adventure together or you can invite one other friend”, “we have all day or � day”, etc.
(If an emergency causes you to have to re-schedule, make sure to put it back on the calendar and make it even more special if possible.)
2. Invite the Child(ren) of Focus to help you do some project and then go out together and celebrate.
(“We are going to clean up the garage this Saturday morning, and when we are finished we are going to the park (to a movie, out for lunch at your favorite McRestaurant, etc).”