Secure Comforted Protected Honored Enjoyed Exalted Courted Respected Intimate Intimate Affirmed Secure Led Happy
I took a little survey among some of my friends and family. I asked them to tell me how they would define “intimacy” and how they would describe feeling “secure” with their spouse.
Here is what they told me:
INTIMACY: Love in every form Unity Togetherness Sex Sharing with your spouse what you do not share with others whether with words, feelings or physical self Being real physically and emotionally Being your true self May not always be physical but to always have hugging, kissing, smiling, holding hands Binding and Bonding Unique and special to us as a couple Feelings shared only between us
SECURITY: Being on the same page with my spouse Serving God together Being able to be vulnerable Confident when my spouse sees me as my “unprotected self Knowing you are safe to share words, feelings and self with my spouse Feeling safe and loved while being with my spouse
What do you think? What do “Intimacy” and “Security” mean to you?
Watching a commercial recently and listening to radio spots offer a secular answer to what many think about these two needs. Intimacy almost always involves sex and security, money.
This info may help. The Intimate Encounters workbook defines “Security” and “Intimacy” as follows:
Security – confidence of harmony in relationships; free from harm
Intimacy – I know you, I let you know me, and we know each other for the purpose of caring for one another or meeting the other person’s needs
Does your relationship with your spouse fit your or the workbook’s description of intimacy and security? If you discover that your marriage/relationship does not measure up, please take the following steps:
- Take a few moments to think about and define what you believe to be a healthy but simple definition of each term.
- Realize that God’s opinion on these two needs in life trumps our opinion.
- Set a time to have a “date” with our spouse to just have some fun and be together.
- In that context ask him/her if you two can have a talk about whether he/she feels secure and intimate with you.
- Let him/her know that you want to deepen both relationship qualities.
- Ask what he/she wants to see change.
- Ask if he/she wants to know what you are thinking about regarding changes you can make personally to help deepen both security and intimacy.
If given the opportunity and permission, share in a soft way but clearly the 7 steps above.
A vital part of both intimacy and security in marriage is open communication – being able to share the truth in love as well as being a professional when it comes to listening. (Ephesians 4:15, James 1:19) I don’t know how we came up with the notion that our spouse should “just know” what we think and feel, but the truth is he/she can’t. How can our spouse possibly know what we think and feel? Only God can do that. The best way to share the deepest intimacy with our spouse is by being vulnerable even into the places of our soul where no one else but God enters. My friend called it our “unprotected self.” The way to do that is by sharing our emotions and deepest thoughts with our spouse to the best of our ability based on the examples we’ve seen, the skills we’ve developed, and the emotional vocabulary we’ve learned. My spouse and I had to start slowly because neither of us came from families where emotional, relational issues were discussed. We spoke of surface issues – work, school, weather, food, chores, sports, music. These topics are just fine, but if you want intimacy leading to security in marriage, we must go deeper.
How intimately do you know your spouse? Answering these questions will give you a clue:
Do you know his/her dreams? Do you know what he/she fears most? What was his/her childhood experience – good, great, bad, terrible, non-existent due to abuse? Can you think of a story about his/her life before you were a part of it? What does he/she feel about God? What is his/her story of faith or belief about Jesus Christ, eternity, heaven and hell, etc? Can you name one item on his/her bucket list? What brings him/her the most joy or sadness?
Can you confidently answer these questions accurately? If you can, good job!!! You are on the right path with your spouse! If you don’t know the answers to most of these, find out! It is OK to ask your spouse about them. Just sit with him/her and say…”Honey, I should probably know these by now, but I am really not confident that I know the correct answers to some of these questions. Would you please tell me?”…and ask your questions. It is OK to admit that you don’t know as you engage your spouse in meaningful conversation – it shows that you really do want to know!
Do you know that the more intimately you know your spouse, the more secure you will feel in the relationship? As you learn the deeper truths about your spouse and reveal dreams, goals, wishes, hurts, insights, doubts, fears, and significant or fun past experiences, intimacy grows. Intimacy and security – They go hand and hand.
Friends, I can’t share my heart on this enough. If you do the work…you will see awesome results in your relationship. Invite God to guide you into His truth about intimacy and security in your marriage. Keep Him in the center of it. Invite your spouse into your heart to know you deeply, and request permission to know him/herd deeper than you do now. By using some of the questions and insights we’ve explained above, you and your spouse may get further down the road toward the goal of an intimate, secure friendship than you can imagine. The beauty of God’s design for marriage is not that you grow apart as business, children, and aging enter your experience. The opposite is true. Jesus came to give us an abundant life – we believe “abundance” applies to marriage. You can’t have this depth of relationship with any other. This level of intimacy and the subsequent security are commodities only the two of you share in increasing measure, when God’s Spirit is in charge.
God desires a close, intimate, secure relationship with you. Our marriage is a mirror to others of our own relationship with God. When you love your spouse the way God loves you, others see Him! We all have the deepest desire to belong to someone, to be known and loved for who we are. God loves us this way, and we can love our spouse this way. Will you dare to trust God, giving your “unprotected self” to your spouse and asking your spouse to reveal his/her “unprotected self” to you? We pray you will.