Part 2 Relational Needs- What are Yours?

Would you like to know or develop a better understanding of what your and your spouse’s top relational needs are? Please take the Relational Needs Assessment below to find out!

(See the list and the definitions of each of the Top Ten Relational Needs at the end of this inventory.)

Instructions: Take time to individually respond to the following statements by placing the appropriate number beside each sentence. When you have completed all 50 statements, you may interpret your answers by using the Identifying Your Top Needs Scoring .

Strongly Disagree 1 Disagree 2 Neutral 3 Agree 4 Strongly Agree 5

_ 1. It is important that people receive me for who I am – even if I’m a little “different.” _ 2. It is important to me that my world is in order. _ 3. I sometimes grow tired of trying to do my  best. _ 4. It is significant to me when others ask my opinion. _ 5. It is important that I receive frequent physical hugs, warm embraces, etc. _ 6. I feel good when someone takes a special interest in the things that are important to   me. _ 7. It is important for me to know “where I stand” with those who are in authority over me. _ 8. It is meaningful when someone notices that I need help and then offers to get involved. _ 9. When I feel overwhelmed, I especially need someone to come alongside me and   help. _ 10.   I feel pleased when someone recognizes and shows concern for how I’m feeling emotionally. _ 11. I like to know that I am significant and valued by others. _ 12.   Generally speaking, I don’t like a lot of solitude. _ 13.  I like it when my loved ones say to me, “I love you.” _ 14. I don’t like being seen only as a part of a large group – my individuality is important. _ 15. I am pleased when a friend calls to listen to me and encourage me. _ 16. It is important to me that people acknowledge me not just for what I do but for who I am. _ 17.   I feel best when my world is orderly and somewhat predictable. _ 18. When I’ve worked hard on a project, I am pleased to have people acknowledge my work and express gratitude. _ 19.  When I blow it, it is important to me to be reassured that I am still loved. _ 20.   It is encouraging to me when I realize that others notice my skills and strengths. _ 21.   I sometimes feel overwhelmed and discouraged. _ 22.   It’s important to me to be treated with kindness and equality, regardless of my race, gender, looks, and status. _ 23.   To have someone I care about touch me on the arm or shoulder or give me a hug feels   good. _ 24.   I enjoy it when someone wants to spend time with just me. _ 25.   It is meaningful when someone I look up to says, “Good job.” _ 26.   It is important to me for someone to show concern for me after I’ve had a hard day._ 1. It is important that people receive me for who I am – even if I’m a little “different.” _ 2. It is important to me that my world is in order. _ 3. I sometimes grow tired of trying to do my  best. _ 4. It is significant to me when others ask my opinion. _ 5. It is important that I receive frequent physical hugs, warm embraces, etc. _ 6. I feel good when someone takes a special interest in the things that are important to   me. _ 7. It is important for me to know “where I stand” with those who are in authority over me. _ 8. It is meaningful when someone notices that I need help and then offers to get involved. _ 9. When I feel overwhelmed, I especially need someone to come alongside me and   help. _ 10.   I feel pleased when someone recognizes and shows concern for how I’m feeling emotionally. _ 11. I like to know that I am significant and valued by others. _ 12.   Generally speaking, I don’t like a lot of solitude. _ 13.  I like it when my loved ones say to me, “I love you.” _ 14. I don’t like being seen only as a part of a large group – my individuality is important. _ 15. I am pleased when a friend calls to listen to me and encourage me. _ 16. It is important to me that people acknowledge me not just for what I do but for who I am. _ 17.   I feel best when my world is orderly and somewhat predictable. _ 18. When I’ve worked hard on a project, I am pleased to have people acknowledge my work and express gratitude. _ 19.  When I blow it, it is important to me to be reassured that I am still loved. _ 20.   It is encouraging to me when I realize that others notice my skills and strengths. _ 21.   I sometimes feel overwhelmed and discouraged. _ 22.   It’s important to me to be treated with kindness and equality, regardless of my race, gender, looks, and status. _ 23.   To have someone I care about touch me on the arm or shoulder or give me a hug feels   good. _ 24.   I enjoy it when someone wants to spend time with just me. _ 25.   It is meaningful when someone I look up to says, “Good job.” _ 26.   It is important to me for someone to show concern for me after I’ve had a hard day. _ 27.  While I may feel confident about what I “do” (my talents, gifts, etc.), I also believe that I need other people’s input and  help. _ 27.  While I may feel confident about what I “do” (my talents, gifts, etc.), I also believe that I need other people’s input and  help. _ 28.   Written notes and calls expressing sympathy after the death of a loved one, health  problems, or other stressful events are (or would be) very meaningful to me. _ 29.   I feel good when someone shows satisfaction with the way I am. _ 30.   I enjoy being spoken well of or affirmed in front of a group of  people. _ 31.  I would be described as an “affectionate” person. _ 32.   When a decision is going to affect my life, it is important to me that my input is sought   and given serious consideration. _ 33.   I am pleased when someone shows interest in current projects on which I am  working. _ 34.   I appreciate trophies, plaques, and special gifts, which are permanent reminders  of something significant that I have done. _ 35.   It is not unusual for me to worry about the future. _ 36.   When I am introduced into a new environment, I typically search for a group of  people with whom I can connect. _ 37. The possibility of major change (moving, new job…etc.) produces anxiety for me. _ 38.   It bothers me when people are prejudiced against others just because they dress or act  differently. _ 39.   It is necessary for me to be surrounded by friends and loved ones who will be  there “through thick and thin.” _ 40.   Receiving written notes and expressions of gratitude particularly pleases me. _ 41.   To know that someone is thinking of me is very  meaningful. _ 42.   People who try to control me or others annoy me. _ 43. I am pleased by unexpected and spontaneous expressions of care. _ 44.   I feel important when someone looks me in the eye and listens to me without  distractions. _ 45.   I am grateful when people commend me for a positive characteristic I  exhibit. _ 46. I don’t like to be alone when experiencing hurt and trouble; it is important for me to have a companion who will be with me. _ 47.   I don’t enjoy working on a project by myself; I prefer to have a “partner” on important projects. _ 48.   It is important for me to know I am “part of the group.” _ 49. I respond to someone who tries to understand me emotionally and who shows me caring concern. _ 50.   When working on a project, I would rather work with a team of people than by myself.

Add up your responses corresponding to each question to find the totals related to each need.

1. What were your three highest totals? Which needs do they represent?

1. What were your three lowest totals? Which needs do they represent?

If you did last week’s 52 Week Plan and guessed your needs, are you surprised to discover what your top 3 are compared to what you guessed they were? Just because you have a top 3, this doesn’t mean that you don’t need any of the other relational needs. We need ALL of them but we usually have a few that we need the most.  Don’t be surprised if you find your top 3 changing around a bit as you have different experiences in your life. You may be going through a difficult time and find you need more support and comfort, even if these are not your normal top needs.

Want to find out how your family can become stronger and your children happier? The secret….they have these same needs! Have your spouse take this assessment and if your children are old enough have them take it as well. If your children are too young to take the assessment chances are pretty good for  you to take a guess at what their needs are.

If your family, with practice, becomes proficient at meeting one another’s needs regularly your family will be stronger and happier.

A little hint on “how” to meet these needs:  All of the numbered questions under each need in the total section, can be a clue as to how to meet that need. For example: Let’s look under the total section for Approval. Read the corresponding questions under approval: Questions 7,16,20,29 and 45. These questions are related to meeting the need for approval so this may be a help to you as you practice meeting these needs in your family.

Please note that identifying your own and your spouse’s Relational Needs is for the purpose of giving love more effectively to one another and “doing the Book”.  As we are commanded in John 13:34-35 to love one another as Jesus loves us, we are also empowered to accomplish that as Holy Spirit grants God’s love to us and empowers us to learn how to express that love better and better over time.  We grow up into Christ.  

Identifying needs then demanding that the other meet them is selfishness, and selfishness leaves us alone and denies others the love they need. Identifying needs then denying their reality in our own life is self-reliance, and self-reliance leaves us alone and denies others the love they need. Identifying needs then condemning ourselves for having them thinking that we could be spiritual enough to not need anything from anyone except from God is not scriptural.  Adam had everything and a perfect relationship with God yet he was told, “It is not good for the man to be alone.  I will make a helper suitable for him.”  

The only way I see this working out well and in keeping with God’s plan for us to do the Great Commandment and fulfill the Great Commission is to experience the following:

1. Come to know how loved you are by the Father.  (I John 4:19)
2. Love the Father back from a heart empty of self and filled with Holy Spirit. (Eph. 5:18, Galatians 5:22-23)
3. Give His love away to everyone you meet…starting at home with family and extending to the family of faith and beyond to those who do not yet know Jesus Christ personally. (Matthew 28:19-20, Matthew 5: 16)

Acceptance : Receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even when their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differences that may exist between you. (Romans 15:7)

Affection : Expressing care and closeness through physical touch and through words such as “I love you” or “I Care about you.” (Romans 16:16. Mark 10:16)

Appreciation : Expressing thanks, praise or commendation, particularly in recognition of someone’s accomplishments or efforts. Gratefully acknowledging what someone “does” (Colossians 3:15b, 1 Corinthians 11:2)

Approval (Blessing): Building up or affirming another person, particularly for who they are (as opposed to what they do); affirming both the fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.( Ephesians 4:29; Mark 1:11)

Attention: Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care; taking notice of others and making an effort to enter into their respective worlds. (1 Corinthians 12:25 NASB)

Comfort : Caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch; hurting with and for others in the midst of their grief or pain. (Romans 12: 15 NASB; Matthew 5:4: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)

Encouragement: Urging others to persist and persevere in their efforts to attain their goals; stimulating others toward love and good deeds. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Hebrews 10:24)

Respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions. (Romans 12:10, 1 Peter 2;17)

Security (Peace): Establishing and maintaining harmony in our relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm through expressions of vulnerability, deepening of trust, and the successful resolution of conflict. (Romans 12:16,18)

Support: Coming alongside others and providing gentle, appropriate assistance with a problem or struggle. (Galatians 6:2)