Approval – Building up or affirming another, affirming both the fact of, and the importance of a relationship.
Right now, I am having my car serviced and sipping coffee in a nearby Panera Bread. The music playing is loud and clear – volume-wise; but it is also loud and clear about the message of how important love is and how important it is to be loved. People are lonely without love. Being loved and loving someone deeply is a relationship that is irreplaceable. Do you agree?
Have you seen the lengths people go to get love, keep love, replace love, or find a way to deal with not feeling loved? As a youth minister several years ago in both Tennessee and Arkansas, I saw a sad, strange disconnect between parents and their children. I knew many of the families very well, and in some of those families the parents and children had a close, loving relationship. But, in too many of them the parents loved the children but the children either didn’t believe it or just couldn’t see it. And in a similar way many of the students deeply loved their parents, but the parents felt unloved and disrespected. As you can imagine this disconnect made for troubled family dynamics. Not much “truth in love” was spoken there. Lots of truth (in the opinion of the teller) was spoken, and at times needed discussions were avoided in the name of trying to be loving.
You know as well as I that this “argument – starting” situation leads to the missing of opportunities to experience and express our love for one another. Besides that, we learn patterns of dysfunction because we don’t know how to “speak truth in love”, give a “soft answer” that turns away anger; or how to be “quick to listen and slow to speak”. Have you seen it in our leaders, politicians, bosses, employees, neighbors, family members, and even complete strangers having interactions while we are shopping or dining out? Have you seen it in you?
I have a theory based on study and observation: People don’t know how important they are in any given relationship or at least the key relationships in their lives. Do you believe you are important to someone, to God, and to you?
Here are my questions surrounding the concept of Approval: 1. Who told you how important you are/were to them just because you were/are alive and in a relationship with them? Did your dad, mom, grandparent, sibling, or other?
Is it any wonder that we flip out as kids/teens when we get a girlfriend/boyfriend? Finally, someone likes us, wants to be around us, looks at us, dresses up a little when we are coming over, and treats us nicely. They may even say, “I love you!” or “I like you.” We may feel approved of or valued for the first time ever in a relationship.
I know too many of the songs these days and all the way back to my teen years were more about physical appearance, sexual things, and how the other person made us feel; but the Enemy of our souls used and still uses that appeal to get us distracted on a search in the wrong places for a love that makes us feel special and wanted. Question: Why didn’t that happen at home? Why couldn’t it have happened at church? Jesus was approved by His Father and showed approval to many others in His life.
Even sinners such as you and I were/are loved by Jesus. I can say that the first time I felt deeply loved and wanted was when I came to faith in Jesus at 15 or 16 years of age. Finally, I felt wanted, approved, valuable to somebody! That didn’t mean I didn’t fall for the lie of the enemy in other areas on my search to grow up and become a person who could love as Jesus loves. I am still on that journey. I am learning how to make others feel valued, approved, and important to me. Just wish I had learned it earlier. Would have saved lots of pain.
May I give you a list of things I have been changing in my relationships in this process?
Look at others – eyeball to eyeball
Listen intently – lean into the conversation
Ask questions – keep it going by asking open ended questions
Discover priorities in his/her life – Do what they like, go with them where they enjoy being
Surprise him/her with a gift of time, service, encouragement, visits, etc.
Here I am still in Panera and the love songs are still playing, I guess they too, as we, are searching for a love worth finding (Thank you, Dr. Adrian Rogers). Let’s agree to help others feel and know they are important, wanted, valued, and approved even though their behavior isn’t perfect. We can discuss that along the way with them as needed, but let’s find ways to show value to others.
The Father said of His Son Jesus, “This is my beloved Son in whom I am well pleased.” (Matthew 3:17) Jesus received approval from His Father. I wonder how showing approval to our children, spouse, and others might change their lives and change the world in the process.