Hi Friends, In reading through the plan when it came out this morning we decided to re-write just a few paragraphs, (The two paragraphs directly under the Relational Needs) to give a deeper explanation of what we’ve learned about needs. We pray you have a great Thanksgiving with your families!
We focus most of our 52 Week Plans on The Ten Relational Needs:
Acceptance : Receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even when their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differences that may exist between you. (Romans 15:7)
Affection : Expressing care and closeness through physical touch and through words such as “I love you” or “I Care about you.” (Romans 16:16. Mark 10:16)
Appreciation : Expressing thanks, praise or commendation, particularly in recognition of someone’s accomplishments or efforts. Gratefully acknowledging what someone “does” (Colossians 3:15b, 1 Corinthians 11:2)
Approval (Blessing): Building up or affirming another person, particularly for who they are (as opposed to what they do); affirming both the fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.( Ephesians 4:29; Mark 1:11)
Attention: Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care; taking notice of others and making an effort to enter into their respective worlds. (1 Corinthians 12:25 NASB)
Comfort : Caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch; hurting with and for others in the midst of their grief or pain. (Romans 12: 15 NASB; Matthew 5:4: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Encouragement: Urging others to persist and persevere in their efforts to attain their goals; stimulating others toward love and good deeds. (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Hebrews 10:24)
Respect: Valuing one another highly, treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions. (Romans 12:10, 1 Peter 2;17)
Security (Peace): Establishing and maintaining harmony in our relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm through expressions of vulnerability, deepening of trust, and the successful resolution of conflict. (Romans 12:16,18)
Support: Coming alongside others and providing gentle, appropriate assistance with a problem or struggle. (Galatians 6:2)
Do you know what your top three relational needs are? Have you ever thought that your spouse may truly need for you to show him/her love in ways that hit the mark more often than you currently are aware? Did you know that you could share the same need as your spouse but it may be met differently in each of you? For example: Let’s say you both share a top need for” attention”. You may feel this need is met when your spouse listens well as you speak what’s on your heart. However, your spouse, who has attention as a high priority need, may feel it is met when you simply spend time with him/her.
The best result of this and next week’s 52 Week Plans is that we as spouses get to know each other better, “dwell with her (him) in an understanding way”, and illustrate for a watching world how people who love each other well communicate love to the heart of their spouse….so they actually feel loved, special, cherished. Wouldn’t that be awesome!!
According to the relational needs above, what do you think your top three are? 1. 2. 3.
What do you think are your spouse’s top 3? 1. 2. 3.
Would you write down how your spouse can meet your top 3? Not only will this be great information for your spouse but it is good for you to really know how he/she can meet those needs. Ask your spouse to do the same and then trade answers.
What did you learn about yourself, about your spouse? How do you feel about even having these needs? Do you know that God designed us needy? He designed us to “need” each other and He uses us to meet the needs that He built into each of us. Can you imagine what this world would be like if we didn’t need one another OR we didn’t need HIM?
Please note that identifying your own and your spouse’s Relational Needs is for the purpose of giving love more effectively to one another and “doing the Book”. As we are commanded in John 13:34-35 to love one another as Jesus loves us, we are also empowered to accomplish that as Holy Spirit grants God’s love to us and empowers us to learn how to express that love better and better over time. We grow up into Christ.
Identifying needs then demanding that the other meet them is selfishness, and selfishness leaves us alone and denies others the love they need. Identifying needs then denying their reality in our own life is self-reliance, and self-reliance leaves us alone and denies others the love they need. Identifying needs then condemning ourselves for having them thinking that we could be spiritual enough to not need anything from anyone except from God is not scriptural. Adam had everything and a perfect relationship with God yet he was told, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
The only way I see this working out well and in keeping with God’s plan for us to do the Great Commandment and fulfill the Great Commission is to experience the following:
- Come to know how loved you are by the Father. (I John 4:19)
- Love the Father back from a heart empty of self and filled with Holy Spirit. (Ephesians. 5:18, Galatians 5:22-23)
- Give His love away to everyone you meet…starting at home with family and extending to the family of faith and beyond to those who do not yet know Jesus Christ personally. (Matthew 28:19-20, Matthew 5: 16)
In next week’s 52 Week Plan we’ll give you a tool to allow you to go deeper into understanding your spouse’s needs as well as your own, so you can do an even better job of speaking deeply with one another and your children about how love can be more clearly communicated to the heart of each.