Attention
Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care; taking notice of others and making an effort to enter into their respective worlds I Corinthians 12:25
Jesus left the Father to enter our world. Philippians 2:6-8
A Worthy Goal: (a little “Truth in Love” from TBI)
Don’t stop investing wisely into your marriage and family until your children and friends envy your relationship and want what you have…. “faith expressing itself in love” – Galatians 5:6.
When we are truly interested in something or someone, we pay close attention. We focus. When I first saw and then met Carol, she had my full attention. You “know what I mean, Vern”? As we accumulated unresolved hurt, distance increased between us. I lived in the same house, but my heart began to move away from hers. By God’s grace we discovered how to heal the hurt and show increased interest in each other in ways that truly reconnect us even more closely than we’d known in those first 20 years of marriage. The gap was closed! Now we pay attention, focus, listen better, and ask better questions!
To know and be known, to love and be loved is to enter another person’s life on a level where intimacy happens and aloneness is removed. Let’s take a few minutes to pay Attention, and perhaps discover how we can more effectively meet the need for Attention for our spouse and remove his/her aloneness.
Sincerely, Dave Lewis
Be intentional about setting aside a few minutes this week or planning a date night to discuss Attention together.
Husband, would you lead this time by reviewing the statements to be completed or questions being asked so that you know how to make the most of your time? When you are ready, please initiate a “LOVE (Speak)” time with your wife.
As you use this tool – the 52-Week Plan – be sure to make some of the Marriage Staff Meetings fun to lighten things up a bit.
LOVE SPEAK… Light Source #1: Fresh Encounters with Jesus Christ
In Matthew 17:5, God the Father told the disciple something vital to each of us regarding how we approach Jesus Christ. Please read this verse and go back and read the surrounding passage if you want the context:
Mt. 17:5: While he was still speaking, a bright cloud overshadowed them, and behold, a voice out of the cloud said, “This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased; listen to Him!”
Would you take a few moments to encounters this Jesus. He is the One our Heavenly Father not only commanded the first disciples to heed, but also commended to them identifying Jesus as His “beloved Son”?
Be still, quiet, and encounter Jesus. Ask Him what He has to say to you…about you, about your spouse, your family, your ministry – current or potential. Jesus is “the same yesterday, today, and forever” according to Hebrews 13:8. If the early disciples were encouraged by the Father to listen to Jesus, then it is safe to assume that we should as well.
In all my years of listening, I have never heard Jesus tell me anything that contradicts His revealed Word.
Light Source #2: Frequent Experiences in the Word (Do The Book) James 1:22 commands us to be “doers of the word, not hearers only”.
Let’s Do: James 1:19 19)Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.
As you prepare for your Marriage Staff Meeting in Light Source #3, would you make it a priority to not only “speak the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) but also listen with great skill to your spouse’s answers. Skilled Listening involves:
- Proper Body Language – lean forward, face your spouse, no distractions – turn it off or go to another room…
- Good Eye Contact – Look into his/her eyes as you speak and as you listen, Thoroughly Listen – Let him/her finish
- Work toward Hearing with Understanding – focus on his/her words and ask for a repeat of the sentence if needed
- Listen to understand; do not just speak to be understood
When a husband and wife learn to listen well, respond in a healthy way, and prayerfully approach times of conflict, many times we see great healing begin in the relationship. We have also noted that extra-marital relationships sometimes spring from listening better to others than to our own spouse. How tragic!
Please use these 5 items below to prepare to have a great Marriage Staff Meeting below so that as you “Do the Book” you will also create the environment for real fellowship and deepening friendship to happen in your marriage.
1. Choose 5 words to describe the life and world you knew as a child or teen. Examples: average, lonely, fun, free, happy, neutral, normal, confusing, exciting, loving, loud, alone, crowded, etc.
2. Choose 5 words to describe the life and world you experience now as an adult. Examples: same as above, average, lonely, fun, free, happy, neutral, normal, confusing, exciting, loving, loud, alone, crowded, etc.
3. In your childhood and teen years who knew your world and entered it often? How did that person enter your world? How do you wish someone had entered?
4. What do you think (before you ask him/her) your spouse wants you to do or say (not do or not say) to enter his/her world and pay close attention? Feeling Brave? Take the guesswork out. Ask your spouse how accurate your guesses are.
5. What can your spouse do to enter your adult world to help you know you are not alone and to help you feel known and loved? Give your spouse clear clues where possible: sit beside me, look at me when we talk, take me somewhere alone, take an interest in my work, help me at home with the house, talk with me about the kids or our lack of kids, hold me when I cry about my loss, tell me when you appreciate me, have more times of romance/dating/sex, etc.
Rather than repeat these 5 items in Light Source #3, I will ask you to refer to these as you engage in Light Source #3 – Real Fellowship with Your Spouse
Light Source #3: Other Jesus Followers – Have Real Fellowship with Your Spouse
See 5 items above and have a great Marriage Staff Meeting!
What About the Kids? They have “needs” too!
You can use these questions/suggestions with your own children or another Child of Focus – if you don’t have children of your own. Remember that your children are never too old to have relational needs met.
1. How can you more effectively enter your child’s world, connect to his/her heart, and help him/her feel appropriately loved and known?
Examples: play what he wants until he is finished, let them talk without interruption, sit quietly as they play, read a book in the same room while he studies, pitch ball / kick the ball / hike / swim / etc. , attend events where he participates, ask good questions that request more than a “one word” answer etc.
2. Based on your answers to Questions 1 and 2 in “Love (Speak)”, what do you feel are the hindrances adults face as they try to enter the world of a child and what are some potential benefits to the child and to the adult when attention is given?
If you have time….. Years ago when Carol and I discovered these 10 Relational Needs and began trying to intentionally discover our children’s priority needs, I made a deal with my kids. I told them that I loved them and had loved them even before they were born, but I admitted that I didn’t know much about these relational needs during those earlier years of their lives. I gave them permission and asked them honestly to let me know if memories arose in their mind that revealed ways that I had hurt them or left them feeling alone. They said they would. Some years later, my then 36 year old son came to me with a memory of hurt. He said “Dad, when I was a kid and practiced piano, it would have meant a lot to me if you would have sat beside me at the piano and listened to me play.” I wanted to justify my absence, but that was not the need of the moment. I told him I understood that I could have entered his world and met his need for attention by being with him on that piano bench. I asked him to forgive me and he did.
Please pay attention to the little things in the life of your spouse or children or grandchildren or co-workers etc. Sometimes asking questions, listening well, taking time to think about each person will be just the thing needed for you to hear God say to you, “Your spouse / son /daughter is my child, listen to him.” As we listen, we may discover how to love more powerfully and remove even a little more of their aloneness…. sorta’ like we’d like for other to do for us. Mt. 7:12