The “Outdone Vs Sweet Martyr” Game
This game is often played when one spouse (the Sweet Martyr player) is overwhelmed by aloneness from unmet relational needs. Often she/he will ask the other spouse,”How was your day?”, but will often turn the conversation to be able to talk about his/her own day. “If you think you had a hard day, listen to mine!”
This player, the Sweet Martyr, may be very self-absorbed. He/She may have a spouse who is very giving, but it is possible that when the Sweet Martyr was a child, needs for attention and approval went unmet. Sweet Martyr’s may fear that if they don’t “point out” the need, it will not be met.
The other spouse,The Outdone player, has needs of her/his own. This player may become frustrated with Sweet Martyr because he/she may be doing everything possible to meet Sweet Martyr’s needs, while leaving his /her own needs unmet.
This Outdone player may have had a really tough day, and when trying to share the events of the day, Sweet Martyr may minimize Outdone’s feelings, leaving the Outdone player needy.
This is a very sad game. Both players play, but needs still go unmet.
Are you one of these players? Want to stop playing?
Sweet Martyr: Would you ask God to teach you to be an active listener to your spouse, listening to his/her needs and asking how you may meet that need? Would you ask God to meet your own needs so you may focus more on meeting your spouse’s needs? (Phillipians 4:19)
“And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus.” Will you trust Him to meet your needs directly and even through your spouse while you focus on the needs of your spouse? Will you purposefully make the happiness of your spouse a priority over your own?
Outdone: Would you ask God to help you speak the truth in love to your spouse if he/she begins to play the game? You may say, “I really appreciate your asking how my day was, but it hurts when I feel you are not really interested. I really need your understanding right now.”
Would you ask God to help you focus on meeting your spouses needs but not minimize your own?
Players: Love one another as Christ loves you. John 13:34
Think about this for a moment.
How does Christ love you?
Would He minimize your feelings by not truly listening to your needs?
Wouldn’t He be more interested in Your needs being met, than His own?
Treating our spouse as if they don’t really matter, hurts. You both have feelings and you both have needs. Wouldn’t the relationship be better if both tried to outdo the other in meeting those needs? If you truly listen with the intent to meet the need in your spouse, you have a better chance of loving as Jesus loves. Now that sounds like a much better, happier, healthier game to play!
Here are some scriptures that I hope you take time to study with your spouse. Loving one another this way makes life much more fun than that awful Outdone vs Sweet Martyr game!!
Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Ephesians 4:29-32 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Colossians 3:12-14 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.