Ever been really hurt by someone? I mean, has someone betrayed or abandoned you? Was it a friend, a parent, a spouse, …a child? Rejection hurts, doesn’t it? Losing someone to disease, accident or even old age leaves a hole in the heart. Going through a divorce, separation or abuse does so much damage to the soul. We might second-guess ourselves, blame ourselves, sink into depression or rage with anger. If any of these tragedies and losses have happened to you or someone you know well, you can understand why a person may take a bad turn in life afterward. I didn’t say the wrong turn was justified, but the pain of the loss along with an attempt to handle things alone or with bad counsel may take us down a dead-end road.
What if you and I were the victimizer who damaged the lives of others and caused great pain to others whom we may have loved at one time? What if we abandoned a relationship that could have been saved or took from others what we had no right to take? How do we cope with the guilt or shame from the wrongs we’ve done? Usually our culture offers options that make bad matters worse.
In either case, as the victim or victimizer, too many of us don’t know how to handle these situations in ways that offer real solutions, healing, restoration, renewed fellowship with God, or personal peace of mind. May I offer some advice consistent with scripture and healthy relational practice? I want you to know there are appropriate, powerful, healing ways to deal with the pain of our losses and the pain of guilt when we cause others to suffer loss.
I think it will take about an hour to work through the lists connected to the worksheets listed below. I, (Dave) have taught and used these principles for the last 25 years, and I can tell you that God’s solutions to our pain – pain of loss and pain of guilt – provide real answers to real problems we face. This installment could be a whole lot longer if we got into the long list of ineffective methods people use to cover pain, shame, and guilt. Please read Proverbs 14:12 and Psalm 139:23-24 as you look into some truths God reveals to put the past in the past. It may be time to deal with the past in a way that frees us to be more confident in our future and live in the present tense. Perhaps it’s time to live without the past hanging around our necks afraid that the future will simply be a repeat of the past.
Proverbs 14:12 – There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.
Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Four Questions for Two Lists – Relationships
Please read: Hebrews 12:1,2; Matthew 5:4, 11:28-30; I John 1:9; James 5:16; I Peter 5:7
(Examine the Top Ten Relational Needs list and the GC2 Concentric Circles diagram.(Below)
List 1: Using the Top Ten Relational Needs list -prepare to take steps that will grow your love for Jesus and for others, perhaps even for your own life:
After reviewing the Top Ten Relational Needs list, please take time with God asking the following questions in prayer or quiet reflection:
l. Father, would you please show me how I have hurt my family, friends, people in the church, or people outside the church relative to not meeting these needs consistently? Who has suffered emotionally or even physically because of my sin or bad choices? Please focus primarily on the first 20-21 years of your life, but if you wish you can answer this question for your entire life. You may not be able to list everything so start with relationships that seem to be most impacted.
2. Father , how do you feel about what I have done to hurt other people and even myself? (I John 2:1-2; Ezekiel 33:10-11))
3. God, how do you feel about me even though I have done these things? (Romans 8: 31-39; Ezekiel 33:11)
4. Father, now what should I do as the next steps to healing and growing my relationships (where possible) with those I have hurt? (I John 1:9; James 5:16; Romans 10:9-10))
After reviewing the Top Ten Relational Needs list and the GC2 Concentric Circles diagram, please take time before God asking the following questions:
1. Father, would you please show me how I have been hurt by my others (family, friends, church people, non-church people) relative to not having these needs met consistently by those you put in my life who were supposed to love me well? (The GC2 Concentric Circles diagram may be helpful.)
2. Father , how do you feel about the hurt I have experienced – especially in those first 16-18 years of your life? You may want to consider more of your life as you have time or need. (Matthew 11:28-30)
3. Father, how do you feel about me during and after those times when I have been hurt? (Romans 8:31-39; John 3:16))
4. Father , now what should I do as next steps to personally heal and in order to help grow my relationship with You and those who hurt me? (Matthew 5:4; Ephesians 4:31-32)
Please note:
Realize each of us needs more than one miracle in life – healing and forgiveness take time
The idea is to heal as individuals so the relationships you build in the future have a stronger foundation
Top 10 Relational Needs*
Acceptance – Receiving others willingly and unconditionally (even when their behavior has been imperfect) and loving them in spite of any differences that may exist between you. (Romans 15:7)
Affection – Expressing care and closeness through physical touch and through words such as “I love you” or “I care about you.” (Romans 16:16) (Mark 10:16)
Appreciation – Expressing thanks, praise or commendation, particularly in recognition of someone’s accomplishments or efforts. Gratefully acknowledging what someone “does.” (Colossians 3:15b; 1 Corinthians 11:2)
Approval (Blessing)- Building up or affirming another person,particularly for who they are (as opposed to what they do); affirming both the fact and the importance of our relationship with another person.( Ephesians 4:29; Mark 1:11)
Attention – Conveying appropriate interest, concern, and care; taking notice of others and making an effort to enter into their respective worlds. (1 Corinthians 12:25 NASB)
Comfort – Caringly responding to a hurting person through words, actions, emotional responses, and physical touch; hurting with and for others in the midst of their grief or pain. (Romans 12: 15 NASB; Matthew 5:4: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4)
Encouragement – Urging others to persist and persevere in their efforts to attain their goals; stimulating others toward love and good deeds. (1Thessalonians 5:11; Hebrews 10:24)
Respect – Valuing one another highly,treating one another as important, and honoring one another with our words and actions. (Romans 12:10; 1 Peter 2:17)
Security – (Peace) Establishing and maintaining harmony in our relationships and providing freedom from fear or threat of harm through expressions of vulnerability, deepening of trust, and the successful resolution of conflict. (Romans 12:16,18)
Support – Coming alongside others and providing gentle, appropriate assistance with a problem or struggle. (Galatians 6:2)