If I took a survey I bet one of the top problems couples face in their marriage would be effective, clear communication. Would you say that is one of the tops in your marriage?
I think couples want good communication but honestly find themselves a little stumped after they get married. “What do we talk about day in and day out?” “When I talk, he/she really doesn’t listen anyway.” “I don’t want to hurt my spouse, but I really need him/her to know this.” Maybe these are just a few thoughts you have when thinking about conversations with your spouse.
Have you ever heard of “authentic communication?” Authentic communication involves being vulnerable with one another, speaking the truth in love, openly sharing and receiving from/with your spouse. This is different than the average “how was your day today” conversation. (Though that’s a start!)
What does authentic communication look like? First let’s look at what it means to be vulnerable with your spouse. To be vulnerable means to completely trust your spouse. Without complete trust, you can’t be completely open, authentic, with him/her. Vulnerability means allowing your spouse in your heart completely, spiritually, mentally and physically, no walls up. That sounds a little scary doesn’t it? That’s authenticity!
That said, you will have to decide if your private thoughts or even your inner battles need to be shared with your spouse, a same-gender wise friend, or a counselor. You will also have to decide how frequently or how much of your inner thoughts you share. Remember that God wants to empower you to take every “thought captive to the obedience of Christ”. You and He may be able to handle it or He may lead you to involve another person. That person may be your spouse.
In order for both husband and wife to get to a place of complete vulnerability depends largely upon their childhood backgrounds and previous times of attempted authentic communication with one another and even with others. Let me explain.
Suppose you present a concern, in love, to your spouse and you left that conversation feeling rejected or not heard, what do you suppose would happen the next time you had something hard to talk about with your spouse? Would you be a little fearful? Afraid of rejection or not being heard again? What if you dared to speak up again and then…. it happened AGAIN? Rejection, not being heard…the sting stays, doesn’t it? Next time??? You probably will just keep it to yourself.
What if, as a child, you were told not to talk about how you feel or were told not to be emotional? If being told that often while growing up, don’t you think it would be hard to talk about your feelings as an adult? It wouldn’t feel normal or OK for you to share what you’re feeling. You would probably just suck it up!
There are many reasons we don’t really communicate in deeper ways. We stick to very “surfacy” conversations. They seem safer than being vulnerable, yet often leave us feeling alone. Want to change that??? It takes being brave, and it is a little risky; but you can do this!! You can! Will you be the brave one and be the first to step out and start an authentic conversation with your spouse? It is OK to talk about the fact that this is a new way of communicating with your spouse and share your concerns, fears and hopes about it for your marriage. Ask your spouse his/her thoughts on this new way of communicating and make a commitment to learn together. In time, this will lead to a much deeper level of intimacy in your marriage.
Here are a few questions you can ask one another to get a deeper level of conversation started. The idea is to ask questions that dig more deeply into the heart of your spouse! You may just find beautiful hidden treasures that you never knew were there!
“Would you share a happy childhood memory with me?” “Would you share a sad childhood memory with me?” “What have I done in the past that made you feel loved?” “How can I do better in our relationship regarding helping you feel loved?” “Tell me what dreams or goals you think about for us or for yourself?”
Part of authentic communication involves the listener. Your response to your spouse is critical. Listen intently, respond appropriately, a gentle touch, a hug, rejoicing with your spouse, don’t try to fix the problem with ideas unless your spouse asks for it. Ask open-ended questions that lead to more conversation instead of yes or no answers.(“Tell me about your day” instead of “how was your day?”) Ask questions to be sure you have heard correctly. (“I heard you say……., is that correct?”)
Relax. Try not to be nervous. This may be new for you but remember this is also new to your spouse. Determine to learn together how to have deep, loving, and fun conversations along the way as you live these years as husband and wife. 🙂
You do know that this is one of the main reasons we write the 52 Week Plan, right? We trust that using this tool has and will help you deepen the level of communication and build trust between the two of you.