Chapter 10: Understand the Pain and Potential of Intimacy Needs

Chapter Summary

Review of the 10 needs, and a helpful diagram of what happens when needs are or are not met (pg 117).

  • As you review the Ten Intimacy Needs and describe in your workbook how these were met or not met in your childhood, you may experience a wide range of emotion.
  • The chart on page 117 is not meant to be an all-inclusive, everyone has to behave this way kind of resource.  The chart shows trends and tendencies.
  • Having all intimacy needs met consistently during childhood does not mean a person will have no “Faulty Thinking, “Painful Feelings, “Unproductive Behaviors, or “Possible Painful Outcomes.  Likewise, having missed intimacy needs doesn’t doom a child to an unchangeable fate.
  • Our God is mighty to save and redeem lives such as ours, whether needs were met or not.
  • You will notice, however, that unmet physical needs make the human body more susceptible to disease, to weakness, to fatigue, and even death.
  • In this way, a soul that goes without intimacy will be susceptible to cultural diseases of dysfunctional relationships, addictive behaviors, and may struggle with aloneness attempting unsuccessfully to satisfy the need for intimacy.
  • When we recognize needs (met or unmet) we become better equipped to deal with life from a powerful position as a child of God with access to His love and comfort.
  • You and your spouse are encouraged to be vulnerable and make good eye contact as you go through the Marriage Staff Meeting on pages 121-122.
  • As time allows, focus on Affirmation & Security in the extra homework for Chapter 10.
  • Psalm 28:6-9 and Matthew 10:8b are the passages of scripture for this chapter.


Small Group Questions

  • Please let us know about progress you are making in your marriage.
  • Please examine the chart on page 117.  Describe whether or not you think it is very accurate, somewhat accurate, not very accurate, not accurate at all.  Explain why you chose the response.
  • Can a person not have intimacy needs met at home and still live a full, abundant life?  How?
  • Read Psalm 127:10 and compare the verse to the “Possible Outcomes on the chart.
  • Examine page 120 and the 3 questions at the top.  Did you see a connection in your own experience between what you missed and what you classify as priority needs today?  What if you got those needs met early in life, might that also make them a priority through life?
  • What are some things you feel you missed growing up?
  • Has not having those needs met impacted current or past relationships?
  • What do people do with the hurt from past relationships including from home of origin?
  • Consider:  KW – These are the initials of a lady I knew years ago.  As a 30+ year old lady she admitted that she had all her emotional needs met regularly (not perfectly).  I asked her if that meant she lived a perfect life.
  • What do you believe her response was?
  • What is the advantage of living in a home where love is clearly communicated?  What is the disadvantage when years pass before a person actually feels loved by another human being?
  • Where does Christ fit into the healing process of dealing with past pain?
  • Where does He fit into your life and the healing of your life’s past pain?